Monday, March 31, 2008

I've been trying to apply some of my Tao and yoga meditation to my life in general, observing my feelings, my body, my children, my family and friends, strangers even. Sometimes I do well, observing myself and others without judgment. But often I don't observe my own reaction until it has stomped off in a direction I hadn't intended.

I sat at my first deathbed vigil recently. I suppose I am blessed to have gotten this far in my life without having done that. It was unexpectedly inspiring. I feel like, for the first time, I am considering the whole possible span of my life. I wonder what thoughts will meander through my mind my last minutes of this life. I am aware of the impact of my choices on my own peace and that of others. I am enjoying the relationships I have more recently, despite the various stresses each relationship presents. I am trying to collect wonderful memories. I have many already. Am I greedy to want more? I think love just expands.

When you are young, you can barely see past the next grade in school. Maybe some people made a career path in high school, but who knew everything that would happen, plans or not. Now, from mid-point in the journey, I am considering how I want Part Two of my life to roll out. I am more aware now that I need to hold any plans loosely. I think what I want to be when I grow up is peaceful.

5 comments:

Mom said...

Not all deathbed scenes are so inspiring, but all are scared. It is a time when you are almost able to touch and feel the divine.
the only thing I want to collect in this third part of my life is wonderful memories of wonderful moments with those I love.
Thanks for adding to my collection.

just me said...

Recently read a book called "Before I Die." It is a young-adult novel (surprise) about a 16-year old girl dying of leukemia. It's told from her viewpoint, and the death "scene" is both fascinating and moving. I heartily recommend it. (Haven't given it to E yet... the whole book is pretty intense.)

I still wish I had been able to be with my mom at the end of her life.

Mom said...

I meant all death are sacred, not scared

AM Kingsfield said...

I'm glad you clarified that typo Mom. In this case, it made a big difference.

Linda said...

I think both words were relevant....sacredness can be scary. And enlightening. You are well on your way to realizing yourself.